Forged Confessions
by BookMaggots
Summary: He'd learned to fake Shunsui's handwriting years ago. And never in his wildest dreams had he ever thought he would use it like this. Yaoi
1. Numb

Characters: Jushiro, Shunsui and Kenpachi.

Pairings: Jushiro x Shunsui

Timeline: After the winter war

Warnings: None (Perhaps some OOC?)

Satuts: WIP

_AN: Just a quick note; I am a writer on but most of my stories are not MA or higher rated and (with some edits) can be posted here, like this one. Seeing as there are a lot of reader who don't own accounts on I decided to share my stories here too :) I hope they're okay, I don't fool myself in thinking they're the best but I do try my best, and hopefully that's enough.  
_

_That's it from me and I hope all of you enjoy!  
_

_And for those of you on reading my stories they will be updated soon, I am currently checking them over and they should be up my Monday (hopefully) lol_

* * *

**Numb**

He reclined back into the pillows. A small black book sat comfortably on his right thigh, splayed open and revealing hundreds of small messages. Jushiro smiled wanly down at them. A mixed feel of contentment and sadness washing over him. His pen was poised on a small blank area, even after all these years there was still some space. He thought for a moment, and then wrote carefully, concentrating fully;

_When you're with me, everything's perfect. _

He paused, bit his lower lip and smiled softly. Then turned a page, and his smile widened when he found and even larger space.

_You are the cup to my sake, the pink in my haori and the straps to my hat. In other words, you __complete__ me, Ju-chan. _

Jushiro sat back and let out a small sigh. Filtered in these yellow pages, thousands more like these poetic thoughts lay strewn on them. He stared at it. He should destroy it, it was better all around. If anyone ever discovered this book it could ruin the reputation of both himself and Shunsui. But he never could, it was his solace and his small indulgence.

He'd learned to fake Shunsui's handwriting years ago. And back then he'd never have imagined in his wildest dreams that he would use it like this. The writing had started gradually, secretly. In the beginning it had been small notes, sparse and years apart. Now he wrote and read them daily. In some respects it wasn't right, it was perhaps even illegall in some way. Of course he'd told himself that over six hundred years ago and to this day he still did it. But it was a good innocent dream that didn't hurt anyone.

Yet.

He turned another page, and let the endless confessions of love simply wash over him.

Just a small pocket of fancy he held close to his heart. A taste of heaven he could take out at his convenience and enjoy when no one was looking. It had been surprisingly easy for him to do it but then again he'd known Shunsui for so long, was it really a surprise? When they'd been younger he'd had to fake Shunsui's academy reports when he was too drunk to do them himself. Many of them, and to this day he could still forge his signature.

Or his handwriting.

He traced the drying ink, the black staining his fingers.

Every few days he'd open the book and stare at poems he'd written in a hand he knew, recognized but wasn't his own. He wrote them in _his_ hand, forged them and it was Jushiro's small indulgence, the only one he permitted himself on a daily basis. Because he knew nothing could or would ever come of it. He wrote words he wanted to hear, he wanted to be said but that never would be.

Most days he liked to pretend he himself never wrote them, and for a moment he could dream that they had been written by Shunsui. That all the words scattered across the pages were put there by his hand. That all the words were meant for Jushiro, and for a moment his heart felt light and he felt loved in some small way. It gave him some comfort.

But some days, he couldn't bear to look, it was a twisted lie he lived in, indulged in, a drug he couldn't stop using. But it was the only thing that kept him sane. A dirty little secret no one knew about, and one he couldn't bear to leave behind.

Jushiro stared at the yellowed pages. He should destroy it. He knew having something like this lying around would not only ruin his own reputation but that of Shunsui as well. But he never could. It was just too precious to him.

He sighed and with a smile he wrote in the corner, a small space still permitting a small message.

_I love you, Jushiro._

He smiled sadly.

It wasn't real.

It wasn't true.

But for now, it was enough.

* * *

Shunsui came to visit him that evening, as was his custom. Always at the same time every day he came strolling into the thirteenth division with a smile and a bottle of sake. Sometimes Jushiro would admire him from afar. But he never took it further than that. His fantasies were meant for that small little book, his dark little secret. Apart from that he never felt right using his friend in any other way.

He loved him too much.

"Ju-chan!"

He was happily embraced from behind, and Jushiro grinned. "How are you tonight Shunsui?"

"Tired!" he huffed and flopped down opposite his friend sitting at the low table, "You'd think Nanao would know that I never work well under stress,"

"You my friend never work well…." Jushiro teased gently, quickly finishing up the last paperwork, "… ever"

Shunsui let out a hearty laugh. He was obviously in high spirits, "Point taken," he eyed the paperwork, "How far are you?"

"Just about done," he said, "You have enough there?" he gestured to the half bottle of sake in his friend's lap. Shunsui grinned at him.

"I have a few hiding places here," he said, "I'll go get some more while you finish up,"

"Sounds good," Jushiro said and smiling as his friend stood up, he rounded off the remaining few pages with his signature. That done he stretched languidly and headed for the kitchen to start the tea. He was tired, and a little tea never did him any harm.

He sighed as he waited for the water to boil. Thoughts drifted in and out of his head. He frowned, staring at the spot where his dear friend had occupied only moments before.

In his heart he knew there could never be anything between them. There are some things one just had to accept and Jushiro had accepted that many years ago.

He would never confess. He would never let him know how he felt, and he would always be happy just to have him close. There were times at night when his soul ached, when he saw Shunsui with a sexy little girl ,his heart would clench. But even if he endured that pain daily he would never ruin such a friendship. It meant too much to him. He could never have him but for now that was as perfect as it was going to get, and he was content.

Jushiro set the pot down on the strangely empty table. Shunsui wasn't back yet-

"Ju…?"

He heard it from the bedroom. Curious, he stepped into the doorway, and froze in his stride. Shunsui stood in the middle of the room, the small battered book open in his hands. His eyes pulled into a frown, something Jushiro couldn't bear to see. He recognized it instantly, his stomach coiled viciously a sudden panic rising in his chest but he clamped it down.

"Shunsui?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could.

"How drunk was I when I wrote this?" he asked turning a page with an expression mixed with disgust and worry.

Jushiro winced at the words, a sudden stab in his soul halting his answer. But he quickly righted himself and smiled, now was not the time, later when the shutters were close and the windows barred then he would cry. Now… he had to fix this.

"Pretty drunk," he said with a smile, ignoring his hammering heart "You get a little wordy sometimes…" he cleared his throat, "Well the tea is ready, and you can have some-"

"Why do you keep it?"

"Hm?"

Shunsui hesitated and when he spoke there was a sharp edge to his voice, "I said, why do you keep it Jushiro?" he advanced a few steps to him. His reiatsu was pulled in tight, controlled almost.

Jushiro backed up quickly, avoiding his best friend's eyes. How was he supposed to say this? How could he make this right? But no words were forthcoming the shock was effectively shutting down his vocal chords.

"Is this book _yours_?" Shunsui asked waving it in his face, "Did you _write_ this?"

_Don't say anything_! His mind hollered_, think of anything else but don't admit this! Don't do it_-

"Jushiro are you forging my handwriting?" he was still advancing and Jushiro was backing up into the next room. His hands shaking, and still avoiding his eyes, "Answer me!" he yelled.

Despite the warnings in his head, he nodded.

He could feel the drop in warmth. Not the rise in cold, just the sudden absence of heat. As if Shunsui had shut down all comforting energy. Jushiro stood quietly. His hands held loosely in fists, and his throat tightening in anticipation and fear.

"I don't understand…" Shunsui said softly, his voice vacant of emotion.

Jushiro huffed a strangled laugh, "Then you are not very perceptive…"

There was a pause in which he stared at the pages again. Jushiro didn't dare breathe too hard. He had so much he wanted to say, explain but words just failed him.

"Do you…" Shunsui paused, seemingly trying to grab words out of the air, "… like me Jushiro?"

"I would think that obvious," his voice was perhaps a little breathless.

There was a long silence. Jushiro wished he could find the courage to say something. To explain but no explanation could make this right. No words could wash away these bitter thoughts, or tame this terror. But still he wished he could, he wished now of all times his silver tongue would work…

Jushiro jumped when the book hit the table. He watched silently as Shunsui stormed out of the room and slammed the door shut.

He stood frozen on the spot. The terror finally taking hold as his hands started to shake, and his eyes brimmed with tears. And he crumpled down to the waiting floor, and cried till his throat went hoarse, until his knees ached. But most importantly, until his soul went numb.

* * *

It would be hours before he moved. The darkness had swept the sky and he sat quietly in the dull light, the small flickering candle offering the only source in the room. His sobs and chokes had turned to small hiccups. His body and mind felt numb, dead and for once he was grateful. Vaguely he wondered how it was possible he hadn't started coughing yet, part of him felt relief. The other disappointment. Perhpas it would have been better had he started choking. Jushiro pushed himself up from the floor, he still shook. His limbs felt numb, his eyes puffy and his soul torn. He couldn't feel the comforting reiatsu of his friend.

He was utterly alone.

Desperately he thought to reach out to his siblings but he quickly squashed that notion. It would not do for them to see him like this. They needed him strong, just like the rest of the seireitei, they needed him to be the support, the pillar and the constant. But it was terrifying to have no supporting reiatsu himself. Jushiro felt abandoned. But he had been abandoned hadn't he? His only prop up had always been Shunsui, and now he was gone.

He coughed and staggered forwards, through blurred tears he groped outwards and grabbed the small book. Something that had once brought such joy now only gave him heart ache. He felt sick, he felt dizzy but he needed to do something about this thing…

The sudden burst of anger was surprising even to him. Without thought he spun around and stormed to the candle, he held the small book over the flame and watched dispassionately as it caught fire. All the beautiful words dying in flame and smoke. He should have done this years ago! He should have destroyed it! But it was too late now, the damage was done...

Regret always came too late.

His eyes caught the hissing words in the flames;

_ ... and never let you go..._

... _ my everything._...

... _you mean more to me_...

_...I love you, Jushiro_...

And again he choked. The small burning book hit the ground. The flames licking at the floor but he didn't notice. A new rush of tears had him on his knees. The ever lasting tears never stopping. He'd fallen for a man who could never love him. He'd fallen for someone who couldn't even forgive his transgression.

He didn't ask for much, just the chance to be close with no chance of ever touching. The chance just to watch and never reach. Never had he wanted anything more than what Shunsui would give him. Had he not proven that in all this time? Was it so hard to believe? That he would never betray that trust?

_But you did_, his mind scolded, _by writing that book, byt keeping it you betrayed his trust, by always lying_.

The pages curled in the heat, the black ink hissed in the scolding flames, and all he could do was watch. Should those fires take flame and burn his house down, would it be such a terrible thing?

He just felt so numb…

So very tired…

He couldn't move…

Nothing really mattered anymore.

* * *

There we go my first chapter up, any all constructive crit is more than welcome and I appreciate it a lot! Thanks!


	2. Smothered Starlight

_A/N Well seeing as I already wrote most of the story I decided to post the next chapter a little earlier, the next one might not come out that quick because I have to work on a couple of stories for AFF but it won't be a too long wait so never fear!_

_And thanks for everyone who reviewed and faved! Ya just made my day!_

* * *

**Smothered Starlight**

Kenpachi Zaraki stood outside his division, the cool night air doing wonders for his raging soul. It had been a trying day, but all in all he was happy with the outcome. At least he'd knocked some heads before finishing up. They weren't even a match for him but it had been fun. The small joys he could take he would grab, and today, though tiresome with dubious amounts of boring ass paperwork, had at least given him something to enjoy.

He looked up into the sky, there was no moon tonight but the stars were bright. He was never sentimental but the night sky always calmed him in some ways. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The scent of smoke filtered in on the breeze, he opened his eyes and frowned.

Smoke billowed up into the air. Great dark puffs of it, cascading the heavens, and smothering the stars.

"That's from Juuy!" a small voice said as tiny hands grabbed unto his shoulder, "Is he having a barbeque?"

"Aren't ya suppose to be in bed?" he asked, though admittedly a little distracted. Something didn't feel right.

"Yip!" she said and giggled happily, "Let's go! Barbeques have yummy food!"

Kenpachi watched the smoke for a moment longer. That was too big for a barbeque. He wasn't a very perceptive man in some ways. He never cared what others did or didn't do. But this wasn't right; he could taste it on the wind, something was wrong. So with little thought or plan he charged forwards, running the whole way to the peaceful division. Thankfully Yachiru actually did know how to get there.

When he go there the flames licked to the sky. Windows were filled with it, like a great raging demon trying to break free of its casing. But that wasn't what had him worried. Above the roar of flames he could feel a small pulse of reiatsu. Jushiro was still in there.

"Yachiru, go get that pipsqueak from tenth!" he yelled above the roar of flames, "We need somethin' to kill tha fire!"

"Okay Ken-chan!" and in a flash she was gone.

Alone he got to work. He tore of a piece of haori, splashed it into the nearby pond and quickly wrapped it around his face. He ran to the front door, the flames already licking at the wooden boards on the bridge, and kicked it open. The heat was near impossible. The flames rushed out, and he shielded his face before taking a look inside. The blazing inferno had consumed everything. It ran up the walls, tearing down pictures of family and friends. Furniture, clothes, food everything was being swallowed by the fire.

He ran in, keeping as far away from the heat as possible. Through the smoke he struggled onwards, the black soot tearing his eyes. He wiped at them, and pressed onwards, following the small pulse of reiatsu.

Kenpachi stumbled into a small room, and sure enough through blurred eye sight and billowing smoke he could see the figure of the old Captain sprawled on the floor, miraculously untouched by the flames. He was barely breathing, and seemed to be unconscious. But he was reaching for something, whatever it was it was already up in flames. Vaugely he picked up the sense of despair and longing through the smoke, barely there, just on the outskirts of the raging fire. But strong enough to make him pause, the same sense of dread pooled in his stomach.

But he didn't have to time to analyze.

He grabbed him, and flung him over his shoulder. The floor creaked ominously. Kenpachi wiped his eyes with his free hand, and without thought just ran for it. The floorboards shattered under his weight, he stumbled, barely keeping upright and kept running. The bar above the door slowly sagged, it snapped, barely holding up and he quickly picked up speed.

He leapt through the door, the whole thing crashing down at his heels and he hit the freezing water head first.

Beneath the water he could see the flames running on the surface, the golden glow chasing the sky. Fish caught in its beam, illuminated by the burning light. In between items filtered from the broken floorboards. Books, photo's, dishes and personnel possessions. Everything consumed by fire or drowned by water. His lungs tightened and he quickly swam for shore. Knowing his burden didn't have much time.

He staggered out of the water into the cool night air, Jushiro still flung over his right shoulder. The man was quiet, but a soft steady pulse of reiatsu assured him he was still living. No matter how small that life was right now.

He stumbled a few steps, haggard coughs tearing up his burning lungs, and vaguely he wondered if this was how the man felt everyday. He coughed and coughed, and finally collapsed just beyond the small bridge. Voices filtered into his hearing. Jushiro was lifted from him and he looked up into the concerned face of Unohana.

She was saying something but he wasn't about to be coddled. He stood up on his own and waved her off. No matter how much he swayed he was still on his own damn two feet, and that counted for something. She took his palm and pressed something into it before walking off, probably to help Jushiro.

He coughed again and looked at the small green pill. He had his pride. He didn't need to be coddled. But he wasn't stupid either. Making sure no one was looking he popped it into his mouth and felt instant relief to his burning throat and lungs. The mint freshness washing over him.

A sudden breath of ice had him turning around and he watched dispassionately as the boy iced the entire building in one great sweep of his sword, smothering the flames and smoke in hissing snow.

"Ken-chan!" Yachiru cried happily jumping up on his shoulders, "You're hair is smoking!"

But he wasn't listening, he watched silently as Jushiro was taken away by the fourth. It wasn't a new occurrence. In fact it was about monthly. The flames were doused, the man was out of the inferno but he couldn't help but still feel that sense of dread. Something was still very wrong.

His mind sprang back to how the old Captain had been reaching for something, passed out barely breathing but his hand outstretched to that flaming item. The clear sense of dread in his stomach, the taste of despair in the smoke. Kenpachi turned back to the smouldering remains of the building and wondered.

* * *

AAAAaaaaand... done! Yippe Kay yay


	3. Tasting the Wind

A/N: _Meh, my other stories are giving me a head ache so I decided to take a break and post the next chapter quick :) Thanks for reviewing guys! It gives me superpower writing skills :3 Also quick note: I HAVE NOT MEDICAL EXPERIENCE whatsoever, so if the medical aspect of this chapter is poorly done... I apologize but hope it was still an enjoyable read nonetheless :)  
_

_Enjoy!_

* * *

**Tasting the Wind**

Stained in black soot and laying motionless on the gurney Jushiro was carried swiftly into Fourth. Retsu stared down at her charge with a sick mix of worry and dread. He wasn't coughing, that wasn't good but by some grace he was still breathing faintly. She held onto that.

Isane and four other healers met her at the door of the emergency room. He was pushed through the and smoothly pulled over onto the slick white table. A steady pulse of healing kidou already wrapping around his body.

"You," she pointed to one of lesser healers as she came in, "Heal his burns. Isane," the young girl turned to her, "We need to get the poison out of his lungs. I need you to cast a dull healing chant on them while I try to extract it,"

"Yes ma'am" Isane nodded and extended both hands over his chest. Her hands glowing a soft yellow green as the chant pulsed through them. But he gasped his eyes snapping wide open, and a breath later he was choking.

"Stop!" Retsu said, "Lift him up!"

He was hoisted to a sitting position, still choking and gasping. Restu placed a hand on his brow and one over his chest. She muttered a few words and a blue light enveloped him. He froze his eyes wide. His body convulsed and a small trickle of blood pooled from his mouth. Retsu muttered a curse and did it again. His face was scrunched up in pain as another, more violent pulse of blue shot through him.

Ukitake gripped Retsu's hands harshly when another, much smaller trickle of blood pumped out.

"Stop…" he gasped, his knuckles white and his voice hoarse from pain.

"One more time," Retsu replied, her eyes soft, "Just one more,"

The pulse ripped through him again. His body tore with a vicious seizure, and he gritted his teeth in a desperate attempt to stop himself from crying out, and she could feel the harsh hold he held over his reiatsu as he tried to rake it back in. He gagged, more blood spluttered from his mouth, speckled with black and yellow.

"Damn," she wrenched her hand free from his grasp, and pressed it next to the other on his chest, "Hold him still,"

"But…" Isane said looking worriedly at the state of Ukitake, hissing breathless pants through grit teeth, and eyes squeezed tight shut, "Captain… he could die,"

"And if we don't get that soot and poison out of his lungs, he _will_ die," Retsu said in a tone that wasn't snapping but came damn near close. She gave her lieutenant a hard look, "Now _hold him down_,"

"Yes ma'am" she grabbed his shoulders and held him steady with a strong kidou charm, "You three!" she pointed at the remaining healers, "Cast a basic support charm around mine," It was the best she could do under the circumstances, and she could only hope it would be enough to hold him. The taste of sea air already drifted in from the wind. The three healers moved in and cast the purple spells quickly.

Retsu pressed both hands down firmly, a look of determination set on her features. Isane could feel the pressure building in those hands, the glow growing, and without pause it slammed into Ukitake.

He screamed.

The sudden flair of reiatsu tore through Isane's arms as she desperately hanged onto her kidou spell. Waves of green energy sputtered and ran up and down her body. Vaguely she realized that two of the healers had fainted. Through blurred vision she spared a glance at her Captain. Retsu still pumped the blue spell through him. Green sparks crackled around her, her hair flaring out in the combined powers. The blue energy tore through him, convulsed his body. Ukitake's back arched in pain.

"Get his head down!" she heard above the roar of power.

Isane opened her mouth to yell at a subordinate but the full force of power had her completely speechless. She couldn't give the order! Her hands still shook with the effort to keep the reiatsu contained but it wasn't _working_-

A familiar energy pressed in, and moments later two scarred hands grabbed his head and forced it down harshly. The golden reiatsu pushed down against the green, forcing the raging seawaters to calm. It was working but she wasn't sure for how long with the blue spell still tearing through him.

Isane's hands were burning now. Sweat poured down her face.

"Captain!" she screamed as a warning before the spell ripped loose.

Ukitake screamed again. The force of power slammed her backwards. She hit the opposite wall with a sickening wet crack, and crumpled to the floor.

* * *

The news quickly spread through the Seireitei. A sense of panic and fear settled on the soul reapers, and many of them steadily headed to fourth division where they knew the Captain would be taken. It was natural and perfectly normal for them to react this way. Ukitake was as much a Captain as a teacher, a Senpai. Captains and subordinates a like could taste the worry and fear on the wind.

Nanao made her way back to the division. She had been in the library when she'd heard the troubling news that Captain Ukitake had been in a fire, and was now being treated at the fourth division. She'd felt the cold knife of shock slice through her but kept her composure, thanked the messenger and had quickly made her way back to the office. It was late, and if she knew her Captain he would already be at Ukitake's side.

Someone had to be at the division, and she would happily stand in for her Captain under the circumstances.

The sun was just rising when she stepped into the office. The cool morning air blowing past her and into the room as she opened the door. She paused, and turned her head to look at the inner office as the door slid shut. The place reeked of sake, that wasn't new nor was the ever present reiatsu of her Captain. It wasn't new but it was strange.

"Captain?" she called out, curiosity lacing her words.

There was no answer.

She stepped into the side room, a place her Captain frequented when he was drinking, and to her surprise found him standing by the window. His hat was removed and his much loved kimono was draped over the futon along with his haori. An empty bottle of sake lay by his feet.

"Sir?" she tried again but there was no answer. She stepped further into the room, discretely looking for more sake bottles but finding none. He had yet to even acknowledge her, "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Looking out the window," he said in a dry tone.

"I can see that, sir" she said carefully, hesitated and then; "Captain Ukitake was in an accident"

A heavy silence followed, it was drenched in a stubborn and almost obstinate reiatsu. There was the briefest fluctuation in his energy and he turned his head gently to her, the starlight capturing his profile perfectly.

"I heard…"

She waited.

"Will you not go to him?" she ventured.

The sun was rising but it felt as if the room had darkened. As if the shadows were steadily expanding to swallow and consume all light. They felt alive, running up the walls, and pilfering the sunlight away. The steady pressure of energy was building.

"No," he said simply and turned back to the sky.

For the second time that day she felt on the brink of falling, on the edge of screaming. This wasn't right. This wasn't how it was suppose to go! They were friends! Old friends, dear friends and brothers. This wasn't supposed to happen!

But it _was_ happening, it was unfolding before her, and never in all her years has she ever felt this helpless.

With a final worried glance at her Captain, Nanao left, leaving him to his thoughts. She closed the door behind her and as she did the reiatsu subtly shifted. It was an emotion she'd never felt with her Captain and one she couldn't pin point at the precise moment.

Later, when she was working at her table, and heard the voices of Shinnigami as they made their way to the fourth division, she would recall the emotion with perfect clarity because it was all that could be felt through the whole Seireitei.

The wind tasted of despair.

* * *

Ooo depressing! lol


	4. Holding On

_****__A/N: Quick update! I won't be updating for a few days because I am moving (so friggin stressed out it's not even funny!) But rest assured I will update before or during the weekend. I am starting a new job and it'll probably be a little hectic to start with. _

_But I hope you all enjoy the new chapter, and see you on the weekend!_

* * *

**Holding On**

Stars slid by and slowly faded into morning.

The infirmary stood stark against the desolate sky, the energies within a mix of worry and fear. The sun slipped over the horizon, its light casting yellow rays into the window. They spilled over the white bed sheets, and died them gold.

Retsu cast a shadow over the bed as she checked the monitors and machines. The steady pulse boomed in the room, it was the only sound to break the stark silence. Her eyes travelled to his thin form. The light illuminated the pale and gaunt face. He looked like death, one night of hell and he looked as if he'd been here for months.

She reached out and took his cold hand, her fingers tracing the blue veins. A cold fear had settled in her heart. An unshakable fear she could not conquer. Not until she knew she could help him. But here in this room she could feel it, the taste of death. She could feel he was… ebbing away. Like a dying fire with no fuel to kindle the flame.

Her grip tightened.

She was not weak or sniveling. But standing by and watching a friend withering away into nothing was hard to bear, and it could crack the hardest of resolves.

"Unohana-taichou,"

The heavy voice pulled her from her somber thoughts but she didn't need to look up to know who it was.

"Soutaichou," she greeted but was unable to tear her eyes away. She could feel her sensei's power shift, pulling in. It was his strange way of showing comfort and respect. He could sense her distress.

"I see Shunsui has yet to come," he said after a lengthy pause.

"Hai," she replied, "He has not come all day,"

Another stiff silence followed in which she wondered herself where the drunkard was. Usually when Jushiro took ill the man was here before he was. They were so… in tune so fulfilling of each, a perfect balance, and yet Shunsui had yet to show up. It was worrisome.

"Jushiro is not well," he stated, not asked and slowly moved closer to stand across from her by the bed.

"No," she replied, and finally pulled her eyes away from those gaunt cheeks, "He is not," she was speaking shortly but for the first time in her life she felt so hollow. As if all the life was being sucked out of her. It might be exhaustion but she knew better.

Yamamoto nodded at her words, "How long before he recuperates?"

Restu smiled at that. He never even considered she might not save him, he never considered that Jushiro would or could ever die. But this was different. Her smile faded, "He won't"

His frown deepened, and his eyes opened slowly to stare at her fiercely. "Explain," his voice was burning like his soul and Restu sighed softly before answering.

"Every time he comes here with sickness, pain, disease or injury," she started, her hand still tracing his gently, "He fights," she broke away from the hard gaze, "He fights and hopes, and keeps on going until I am certain he must fail. But he never does" she smiled softly, "Because he helps us, because he fights with us…"

Her throat tightened

"But this time…" she faltered briefly, "This time he is fighting _against_ us, he is pushing us away… as if he…" she shook her head, "As if he _wants_ to die," her voice wavered softly and she stopped a moment to collect herself.

"I can't help him, sir" she turned to him, her eyes shinning with unshed tears, "Because he doesn't want to be helped,"

The heavy silence filled the room. The steady beeps of the heart monitor both a relief and a torture. Yamamoto 'hm'd' quietly, his own eyes now staring solemnly at his star pupil and dear friend.

It would be easy to say he was the Commander's favourite but even if it were true anyone who knew them could see why. Jushiro understood the commander, and in turn the commander both loved and cherished Jushiro for his life and spirit.

In some ways they were complete opposites. Yamamoto was harsh and unforgiving, Jushiro kind and understanding, but that same kindness seemed to wash over to Yamamoto and fill him up with patience.

Jushiro had always been good in filling people up.

"Do what you can," he said and spared a last lingering gaze at his pupil before turning away.

"I will," she said softly and watched him leave with a heavy heart, quietly wondering if this was to be her last battle for Jushiro's life, and wishing Shunsui was by her side to help her win this battle.


	5. Bells and Parchment

Mecht :\ Every time I wanna update something goes wrong, I grabbed a quick moment just to post this :) I hope it's okay, as always just let me know if anything is amiss!

****And just a quick shout out to 'JuuxShun' who was so happy with the story that she popped over to AFF just to read the rest! Thanks for making this story feel awesome to write, and I hope you like the next entry just as much :)

Also thank you to all who reviewed, faved and 'lerted! Enjoy!

* * *

**Bells and Parchments**

The late morning light illuminated the pitiful mirage the fire had left behind. It stood smoking in the sunlight, the few remaining pieces of scorched pillars and half collapsed rooftops the only proof there'd ever been a home here.

Kenpachi stood by the edge of the bridge, his eyes surveying the damage, and his heart feeling… heavy. As a rule he never really gave a shit about the problems of others but something in this whole ordeal felt wrong. Ever since seeing the rising smoke he could not shake the feeling this hadn't been an accident..

He could still remember the feeling of despair and loss, the same emotion now haunting him. And earlier when he'd helped to suppress Jushiro's reiatsu in the infirmary he'd gotten the same messed up feeling, albeit distorted but it was still there. The same emotion of despair and utter misery.

It was disturbing, perhaps a little worrying, and so unlike Ukitake.

He needed to know, if only to bring himself peace of mind.

He trudged to the water's edge and scanned the items washed up on the shore. Warm scarves, old weapons perhaps from his father, drawing, writings and partings, bottles filled with nothings and something and a sake bottle or two. He smirked at that.

Jushiro wasn't so innocent then.

All Ukitake's personal items and those of worth had been dumped, burned or washed away. He was vaguely surprised the disturbingly loyal members of the 13th hadn't come to clean up yet.

He sat on his haunches and carefully picked through the items. So many things destroyed and ruined but he didn't really care. Material things could always be replaced. It was the life that hung in the balance that had him more worried. Or worried at all, as the case may be.

He scrabbled around some more before grunting with annoyance. Even if he could figure out what Ukitake had reached for the chances in finding it was almost naught. Of course he could always try finding the energy with some concentration.

He scoffed.

He hated that shit.

But despite his own trepidation Kenpachi tried to focus some of his energy in finding it. He closed his eyes and searched for something that would hold the same energy and emotion as before. But some items were too overwhelmed with joy, others too cared for, and others still too pale. Closing his eyes he tried to focus.

He'd never been good with this shit.

"Fuck this," he muttered after a moment and stood up ready to leave. He didn't have a reason to be here, he didn't even have a reason to meddle… hell he didn't even _want_ to meddle. Why the fuck should he even care? It wasn't his damned business!

He faltered only two steps further, a cold sensation running up his spine, and turning around he looked to the debris and slowly reached down to pick something up.

"Ken-chan!" the small ball of energy came running towards him, clutching something jiggly in her right hand but he wasn't paying attention, his gaze stiffly focussed on the small item now held in his calloused hand.

"I found a fishy and played with it!" she exclaimed waving a dead fish at him, "But I don't think he liked it,"

"Hm," he grunted.

Yachiru frowned and tilted her head, "If you keep brooding like that, I'm gonna havta take your bells,"

But Kenpachi didn't acknowledge her threat, much to his own peril, all he cared for at that moment was the small scrap of paper. The words scorched but so clearly written in Kyoraku's sloppy handwriting;

'… you complete me Jushiro'

The same amount of despair filtered off in heaps of this small scrap of paper, crying out its importance. He turned it around but the words weren't clear. on the other side He turned it back and stared intently at the writings again. So many questions were raised but at least, in his books, it answered a few as well. He was a blood thirsty maniac, not and idiot. He could easily asked Kyoraku what had happened, and maybe help the old fool-

Kenpachi shook himself mentally.

He wasn't a caring man, he reminded himself.

He didn't really give a shit, which was true.

And he was known for his hard ass attitude so why the fuck give a shit about the old coots problems?

He looked up to the sky, closed his eyes and sighed. It was true he was a dick, and proud of it, he was a fighter and had little patience for pansy shit that wasted his time.

But…this was Jushiro, and that was a good enough reason for now.

"Got your bells!"

Kenpachi's eyes snapped open just as his locks cascaded down his back, "Yachiru!" he yelled, "It took me three hours ta get those in!"

"Stop being a grumpy pants!"

* * *

And there we go!


	6. A Visit

****_Should have posted this days ago! But I had no internet :( sorry! Still here it is and I hope it was worth the wait! :)_

_Okay on AFF I also said this: I wrote two different chapters for this entry because I wasn't sure if this one really worked well. The response on AFF was very good (THANKS GUYS!) but I always leave an opening for constructive crit, so if you guys think anything is wrong or out of sync please let me know, I always appreciate it!_

_That done, Enjoy the Chapter!_

* * *

**A Visit**

The sun rose higher as the day progressed, the hours melding into a string of moments and minutes that seemed to drag by in split-second precision. Nanao had left earlier, probably going to check up on _him_. She'd paused at the door and Shunsui knew she'd wanted to say something but god bless her intuition she didn't, and had left without a word.

He didn't think he could've handled her at that moment, and for the first time in his life he didn't care what he might say to her. He didn't care if he hurt her, drove her away or broke her. In his soul all he could feel was this coiling snake of hateful poison that churned his gut.

He did not wish to spread that poison.

The stacks of paperwork rose high around him, mountains of back log he had accumulated in the previous months. Day and in day out he had left this work and his Nanao in order to be with and visit...

Shunsui grit his teeth, and forcefully cut off his thought process.

His hat, once a treasured gift from _him_ was forgone, and now lay forlornly in the corner of the room, picking up dust. It was as much a statement as an action of uncontrolled anger. He wanted to hurt him.

But he held his temper down and carefully signed every letter, and wrote every report with clear concise strokes: perfect, smooth and beautiful. But with every stroke he felt the bitterness tighten, with every character painted on the parchment he could feel his resentment boil to breaking point.

The words he wrote stared back at him in angry letters, each character a harsh reminder of what his so-called friend had done.

His grip tightened.

Shunsui was good at analyzing people. Priding himself in it, he was good in reading them in seeing beyond what made them powerful or strong. He saw the human behind the strength, and yet…

His hand moved faster across the parchment.

…and yet with all his wisdom, experience and intuition… he hadn't seen this coming.

Over two thousand years of friendship and he'd stood by in a blinding veil as his best friend pined after him day in and day out. To such an extent that he fled into a world of lies and fantasy in order to bring some peace to his inner turmoil.

And through it all Shunsui had seen nothing. He'd stood by and watched, he'd missed all the signs and signals and allowed his friend to churn into a depression that was now destroying him.

Given the circumstances he knew people would describe him a monster. If they knew how he had reacted to such a long and painful crush. Hell, _he_ would call himself a monster. But as hurt as Jushiro must have felt at that moment, Shunsui couldn't feel much sympathy, because he felt it ten times more.

He felt _betrayed_.

The sudden spike in rage saw the paintbrush thrown in frustration. The black ink splattered against the wall, staining the white paint in specs of black. Shunsui buried his face in his hands. He was angry at him, furious and bitter and hurt in ways he couldn't describe. He felt betrayed, used even, and all of this mixed and moulded into this cold stubbornness that he couldn't shake.

He didn't want to give Jushiro peace, because he had none to give. A friendship built on trust over two thousand years now felt tainted, and Shunsui took some solace in directing the blame at Jushiro. He felt better, but his fury would not die away.

It was easier to avoid the whole situation. He honestly had no idea how to deal with this. Hell part of him wasn't even sure why he was really angry .As hurt as he was he knew that wasn't the reason for his fury but he wasn't sure what was. Shunsui Kyoraku, the great reader of people and emotions had no idea why he felt the way he did, and he knew part of his anger was solely because of that.

Shunsui scratched at his beard and went to pick up the brush. He realigned the hairs carefully and returned to his seat. A moment later he dropped the pen and closed his eyes in defeat.

Jushiro was dying. He could feel it on the wind. Their reiatsu was so intertwined it would be impossible for him not to know this.

But even at the prospect of losing something he cared about so much, he was still too stubborn to go to him. Too hurt, betrayed and to some extent confused.

With a sigh he braced himself, picked up the brush, and continued with the paperwork.

But soon he lost himself in the brush strokes and his own turmoil and barely noticed the powerful and curiously furious reiatsu unfurling in his division. Not until the energy pressed into his own did he actually look up with a frown, and just in time to see the heavy form of Captain Zaraki walk through the door.

"Zaraki-taichou" He greeted with a nod as the man walked closer, "What brings you here?"

Zaraki did not answer. Instead he tossed a small ball of crumpled paper that landed on his table.

"Is that yers?"

Shunsui stared at him curiously for a moment, but looked down at the soaked ball. He could see charred corners and a sense of trepidation pulled at his soul. But he carefully unfurled it without a word. His mouth hardened when he read the words and he dropped the soggy paper to the side.

"No," he said.

Zaraki laughed, and drew his sword, "I was hopin' you'd say that,"

Shunsui barely had time to draw his own.

* * *

Done and done :)


	7. Duck Duck Goose

_A/N: Wow, I have got to stop making promises I can't keep XD. But at least I updated! As I said on AFF I rewrote this puppy four and a half times, I settled on this one because it just made felt more balanced than the others. The others were more dramatic. Then again maybe drama is better, but as always I hope you guys enjoy it and as always constructive criticism is always welcome!_

_Just sorry for the wait but I hope it was worth it :)_

_ALSO: A huge thank you to all reviewers and readers! Thank you for all your support and kind words, they really make all of this worth it :)_

_On with the story! :) Yippee!  
_

* * *

**Duck, Duck, Goose**

The windows shattered.

Reitsu poured through the open panes, spilling out into the streets and the sky. Outside Shinigami were yelling or fainting but inside a thick silence had fallen. Shunsui kept his sword above his head, Zaraki's blade pressing down, his eyes shinning with the usual glint madness.

"Not bad," he said and Shunsui raised his eyebrows, "Ya can hold yer own, just as I thought ya would,"

"Good morning to you too Kenpachi…" Shunsui said with half a smirk. He took in his surroundings, "You've ruined my paperwork… can't say Nanao will be happy with that," Zaraki's grin widened, his reiatsu was overwhelming but Shunsui had stood before Yamamoto's bankai and held his own. This was child's play. "Yachiru not here today?" he asked.

"Che…helping Yumichika with the training" he said, and then his grin widened. He swung again but Shunsui was ready this time. He dodged out of the way and flash stepped behind him. Zaraki spun around but was blocked swiftly.

"If ya wanna try a sneak attack, yer gonna hafta do better than that,"

"I wasn't trying one," he said with a shrug, "But I rarely fight, and if I don't even know why I'm fighting I'm not going put in much effort,"

"That friend of yours is dyin'"

Shunsui raised an eyebrow, "And that's a good reason?"

He might as well have killed Yachiru. The overwhelming reiatsu darkened, suffocating out the sun and air. Shunsui could feel the power climbing to enormous heights and he watched in silent amazement as Zaraki's fury and power only grew and grew.

_Well damn_…

With no time to dodge he blocked instead, but he even as did so he knew it wouldn't be enough. The force of the blow shot him through the window and he was vaguely relived they'd been blown out earlier. He landed in the quad, and slid a few feet, crouched and gripping his blade. _When the guy's angry enough he can swing pretty hard_.

_I'll have to be careful_, he thought with a smirk.

Zaraki followed moments later, easily jumping out of the window, his reiatsu wild and stormy, and tearing up the sky. The quad was silent. The few Shinnigami who were close by had either fainted or fled. Shunsui found himself grateful for a second time.

"Pretty good reason if yer the cause of it," Zaraki said and charged again. Shunsui weaved around him, it was easy to keep his distance but it was becoming harder to stay calm.

"What makes you think I am the cause?"

Zaraki laughed, "Don't ya play dumb," he struck out again and Shunsui dodged, "It's yer damned handwriting,"

"Ah" he said his eyes widening and brow rising in mock realization, "If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…"

Kenpachi stared blankly at him.

"Then it must be a duck?" Shunsui relented after some pause, and leapt sideways barely missing the blade as it slammed into the soil. Taking the chance he kicked out at Kenpachi's side, pulsing a strong reiatsu through it at the same time. It hit home and Zaraki shot sideways and hit the wall.

Shunsui slowly straightened, "But in this case it's a goose," he watched as the Captain stood up from the rubble, and then he sighed, "I didn't write it, he wrote it and before you ask, the reason is pretty obvious," he sheathed his blade, but kept a wary eye on the man.

Kenpachi straightened, and dusted the debris off his shoulder. There was a strange expression on his face but Shunsui didn't have the time or the patience to figure out what it could mean. He just wanted to go back inside and forget what was happening. It was easier.

"If you'll excuse me," he said turning away, "I have to go clean up your mess," it was a stuck-up thing to say but he barely gave it any thought. He didn't even bother to check if Kenpachi came after him again. He didn't care, there was little he really did care about at this point in any case-

Then Zaraki chuckled.

Shunsui paused and turned around just as the man burst into roaring laughter. It echoed and clapped in the quad, resonating with a sick humour that only he could understand. He watched for a moment before turning back again, whatever the man was thinking it didn't matter in any case.

"So someone has a crush on ya?" Zaraki chuckled, "And yer too pathetic ta tell the guy off?"

Shunsui ignored him. His goads were as transparent as glass.

"What's wrong?" Zaraki continued, "Ya didn't like the weakling?" he kept walking, "Was he too scrawny for ya? Or are ya grossed out by that damned sickness?"

He grit his teeth.

"Or do you really have a crush on that pathetic white ass of his?"

And froze.

He knew what he was doing, it was obvious dammit! Everything was said to goad him into a fight, to force him to retaliate, to get him angry. But it was _working_. Vicious tentacles of fury coiled around his heart and soul, squeezing tighter with every word the bastard said. He could feel that wrath turn into a red mist of mindless rage as it pounded through his veins.

"I can't decide who's more pathetic, you or him!" Zaraki said, "But I'm guessing him cause he's always been a right little pussy," he was stalking closer, and came to stand directly behind Shunsui before he continued in a leering voice "Weak as shit, but I think he'd be good for at least one fuck before he croaks, don't ya think?"

* * *

Zaraki ducked just as the blade sliced past his head and clipped one of his bells. Reacting on instinct hebrought his sword up and cut a straight arch clean across his cheek.

Blood sprayed.

And the bell tinkled to the ground.

He grinned down at him, "Why are we fighting now? Though ya were done"

"Call me what you will…" Shunshui whispered wiping his cheek, "But Jushiro is off limits," The blood still slid down his face but it was the look in his eyes that had Kenpachi enraptured, a look of pure hate and feral anger. He grinned. This was going to be fun.

"I thought ya hated 'im,"

Without warning Shunsui struck again. It was like a frenzied whirlwind of blades, he pressed in, slicing with deadly accuracy and Zaraki laughed above the dance of swords, which only served to infuriate his opponent. Soon finesse and skill was lost in favour of raw strikes of anger, and Zaraki met him blow for blow. Their reiatsu curled and coiled into a maddened pace of pure rage that had shinnigami two divisions down collapsing from the pressure.

His back hit the wall. Shunsui's blade struck down, but Zaraki caught it in his left hand, before blocking the other with his sword. Their faces were inches apart.

"You don't know anything!" he roared.

"Maybe," Zaraki said, his hand dripping blood, the sword's edge digging into his soft flesh. "But what tha fuck is it helping you ta ignore it?"

The look of fury, rage and hurt slid away from Shunsui's face, and his eyes glazed over. Zaraki took the chance to shove him off. He staggered backwards, and for a moment he was certain he would charge again. But he needn't have worried. The fight just seemed to drain out of him, disappearing into the sky and earth.

They stood quietly, both breathing harshly.

"Whatever the fuck is goin on in that head of yers, ya need ta figure it out," Kenpachi said after some pause, and heisting he finally sheathed his sword. There was no reply. He scratched his head, fuck he wasn't good with this shit. But giving it some thought he ventured "Look it doesn't matter what answer ya have. Whether ya accept him, forgive 'im or condemn 'im, fact is ya still havfta to do it,"

Shunsui still refused to speak, his eye remained studiously on the ground and his hand gripped his swords like a lifeline. And in that posture Zaraki could see not only a confused and stubborn man bent on being a dick, but also a terrified one. In some respects he could relate. Being blindsided, especially by someone you care about, was never easy. No matter how many times it happened.

Taking some pity he reached out and awkwardly patted the stiff shoulder, "Ya owe him that much," But Shunsui still refused to acknowledge him. Zaraki watched him for a long moment, then with a voice as close to caring as he could get, he said, "He's holdin' out just for ya,"

And with that he turned and stalked down the path, knowing he'd done what he could, and silently hoping it was enough. And if by some chance he heard a sob he chose to ignore it. He wasn't sentimental, he didn't really care. Life was a cruel sonovabitch that gave you nothing and took everything. He had seen it all. But Shunsui was a good drinking buddy and Jushiro…

He turned his head to the sky, the clouds were gathering.

Well, he deserved a little selfish happiness for once. But if he got some form of peace before he died, that would be good too. The clouds rumbled, and Kenpachi headed for the fourth division. It was almost time.

* * *

_Done and done!_


	8. Finding Peace

_A/N Yay I updated! _

_I am very sorry for taking so long with this, I was really busy the last few weeks and barely had time for much. But I do have some good news! The next two chapters were written out along with this one so they should be up much, much sooner. *confetti*_

_And just a big thank you to all who reviewed and favourited. I really appreciate every fav, lert and view I get :) So thank you a million times over, and I hope you enjoy the new chapter :)_

* * *

Retsu Unohana stood by the window of the third floor south wing, gazing out at the gardens below. The Fourth Division Gardens had always been a haven for her, a place of refuge and a small sanctuary in a place otherwise surrounded by despair and death. Usually she would take a stroll through them when the intense pressures of healer and Captain became too much. It was a small pleasure she indulged in from time to time. But unfortunately for her the day she needed her sanctuary the most, she could not indulge them for the Gardens were occupied.

During the few hours Jushiro had been in intensive care she had watched in some surprise as droves of Shinnigami from all seats and divisions came to see the ailing Captain. She had to turn them away of course, his failing health did not permit any visitors, but that hadn't really deterred them by much.

Some had come in and left only to return a few hours later. Others have remained in the garden since they'd gotten the news, and though at one point she'd wondered what their commanders might say about it the thought had quickly dispersed when the Captains themselves had begun to draw closer. They knew. Every single one of them knew that something was about to happen… good or bad… but it would happen. That thought exhausted her to some extent. The idea of having such power over life and death, only to have it useless at the most crucial time, was heart breaking. And worst of all, down there among all those men and women was an unwavering hope. A brilliant hope and strong belief that, as always Unohana would fix it, that she will bring him back from the brink.

She sighed wearily and rubbed at her temples in the dark corridor, the only source of light spilled in from the window at its very tip, turning her into a silhouette.

It shouldn't be as surprising as it was to realize how important he was to them. Jushiro was a prominent figure in many Shinnigami and souls lives alike, and part of her wondered what should happen if he should slip away. How long would he be remembered and how long would he be mourned? The many people below gave her a good estimate. And though none would say it, though not one of them would ever whisper the words, she knew deep down that some part of them would blame her for his death.

Retsu sighed again. She was not too proud to admit that this time she needed a miracle herself.

"Retsu?"

She turned in surprise, having not sensed nor heard any movement behind her. But the surprise turned to a mix of resent and relief when she came face to face with Shunsui Kyorako. He looked bone tired, his demeanor and energy almost reflecting Jushiro's perfectly. _That_ did not surprise her.

They stood across from each other both seemingly lost in each others presence. Part of her wanted to walk over to him and smack him upside the head. But the other held back at seeing him so... haggard.

"Where have you been," she said, not asked.

He looked up when she spoke. His eyes were not hollow, simply lifeless and reflected a burning tiredness. He shook his head softly and then cleared his throat, "I took a wrong turn," a calloused hand came up to rub at a dried cut on his cheek, "But a friend got me back on track,"

"It's rare for you to get lost," she said, steel tones in her words.

"Happens more than you think," He said but did not elaborate.

She wanted to say more but resisted the urge. He was late, he was frazzled, drained and beat up but he was here and for now that's all that mattered.

"Come on," she said, relenting to the mother inside of her, "I'll take you to him,"

Just as she passed she felt a strong hand halt her gently. She looked up and he stared down at her with worried eyes, "How..." he paused, "How is he?"

She met his gaze steadily, "You can see for yourself,"

He held on and for a moment she was certain he could demand an answer. But the fight had drained out of him, and he nodded before letting his hand drop. She walked past and he fell in step behind her, not saying another word. When they reached the door to Jushiro's room she stopped, turned around and nodded for him to go in.

Shunsui came to stand in front of her, he seemed uncertain and fidgety, two things she rarely associated with her kohai.

"I'm sorry," he blurted, keeping his head down. She stared at him stoically, feeling a sense of dread in her soul. It wasn't the apology that had surprised her but the way he said it. The warrior in her wanted to chide him for being such a fool, for being such a weakling. But the mother in her understood clearly that the apology meant more than it seemed.

She relented, "Shunsui," she waited until he looked at her again, "I don't know why you feel the need to apologize to me, but am I right in thinking it's really meant for him?"

He hesitated before nodding softly.

"Okay then," she patted his shoulder, "Go on, he's waiting for you,"

He nodded again, "Thank you,"

Retsu smiled and watched him go in before heading back to the small window. It was close enough should anything happen but part of her was hoping he could be the answer to this. And the other part was silently wishing it wasn't too late already.

* * *

Shunsui froze in the doorway. On the bed lay what might have been Jushiro. White hair lay splayed across the pillow. Skin once glowing with life seemed sucked dry, shallow and taught. His lips were parched and his breath wheezing. But he lay so still… so very still. The gentle beeping on the heart monitor was the only proof that he was still alive

Shunsui moved closer as if in a daze. His hands shaking and a fear grabbing a hold of his heart. Guilt pushed up in his throat and he felt tears prick his eyes. For this entire time he'd been a stubborn ass, for this whole time he'd avoided him. Had it been worth it? He took in the gaunt cheeks and near death reiatsu.

No, he thought bitterly, you stubborn old fool it hadn't been.

Slowly he sat down in the chair next to the bed, and as he always did he reached out and took Jushiro's hand in his own. Despite the cause of his predicament he felt surprisingly cold. The hands were freezing. He sat quietly for a few moments simply taking in the lifeless energy that once held such warmth. Shunsui traced circles on the palm.

"I'm an idiot," he said and moments later huffs a strangled laugh, "As if we didn't know that already, right Jushiro?"

He faltered in the face of such a desolate silence only broken by the constant beeping. How was he supposed to approach this? What was he suppose to say? It felt strange to be this lost when his entire life had always been about manipulating conversations to his will. Now here he sat across from a man who was in a coma and he didn't know what to say. His hand gripped the frail one tighter, only fear and uncertainty was holding him back, the very two emotions that had caused this predicament in the first place.

Shunsui sighed, closed his eyes and waited for the words to come. His brother had always told him that when you were uncertain let the heart speak for you. Jushiro would appreciate honesty more than anything else.

"Whenever I'm this close to losing you" He started in a shaky voice, "it feels as if part of me is dying,"

The heart monitor beeped rhythmically, his throat hitched but he pushed on.

"Every time," his voice tightened, "No matter what… I feel that should you pass on I'd just wither away," he smiled sadly, the tears blurring his vision as he felt Jushiro's dying reiatsu, "There are times when I wonder what would happen should our positions be reversed… you know… do you feel like I do?" he looked at the cold face for a moment. He knew no answer would come.

He lifted a crumpled piece of paper, "According to this you would," and dropped it on the bed. The ball unfurled, revealing a small part of a confession.

"But this isn't about that," he waved his hand nonchalantly, "When you're hanging on like this it's not only the fear that comes…" he cleared his throat, "It's the regret," soft circles were traced on the cold hand, "After that selfish terror I always feel sorry… as if I owed you and never got around to it. As if my whole life I'd been robbing you of something precious…"

He watched the steady rise and fall of his chest, "I never really understood that feeling, it never made sense or fitted anywhere…" he huffed a dry laugh, "Well never where I tried to fit it,"

Jushiro wheezed softly, and Shunsui squeezed his hand.

"Jushiro, I've realized now why I feel like that," he smiled but he knew it was empty, "Somehow I had picked up on what _you_ were feeling, and guilt made me feel this because I… I can honestly say that I never thought of you in that way, you were always my go to guy but you were never…" he rubbed his brow, "… never a possible _lover_, and to tell you the truth I …" he sighed and rubbed his brow, "I'm still not... dammit..."

He was screwing this up. The onetime he needs him to be fearless and he screws it up.

He faltered again and stared at his friend, feeling the sadness and regret almost overwhelm him in that moment, and wanting nothing more than to just bow his head and cry. Kenpachi had said he was holding out for him, that no matter his decision it wouldn't matter what he said. Thing is, it _did_ matter. It mattered in more ways than he could count, and he knew what would save Jushiro right now, but he didn't know if he could give him that answer.

Shunsui rubbed his face harshly, almost as if trying rub away the confused and jumbled thoughts. He wanted, no, _needed_ to save Jushiro but…

His eyes drifted to the crumpled piece of paper. That something so small could bring such tragedy, heartache and utter misery was astonishing in some ways. He knew he was responsible in many ways and that he had to fix it somehow. But that feeling of loss and fury he had felt when he'd found that book, that sick combination of fear and disgust was something he couldn't shake. He swallowed stiffly. He did not have an acceptable answer.

"I'm sorry," he finally choked the words he thought he'd never say, feeling a mix sense of relief and despair, "I am sorry for everything, for reacting the way I did. For picking up that book, for reading it," he closed his eyes, and he could feel hot tears drip onto his hand and silently he brought Jushiro's palm to his face, holding it close "I am sorry for _everything_. If I hadn't picked up that thing none of this would have happened,"

A tired fury pushed up from his soul. "I would never have _read _anything, I would never have _argued _with you, and I would never have known any of this!"

His voice clapped in the small room, the echoes dying away to leave an oppressing silence. He blinked and more tears fell, his death grip on the fragile hand slowly loosening. But he barely registered this, as a strange feeling washed over him.

_I would never have known._

He would never have learned how Jushiro felt. He would never have known that his friend loved him like this. And they would have kept going like they always did. And Jushiro would have stayed by his side, and he would have supported him just like he always had, and he would still have been his best friend despite what he yearned for, always on the sidelines and never asking for more.

_"_And I would never have known.." he breathed, lowering their hands back to the bed.

He looked to his friend. Some part of him felt… saddened by that. Knowing that Jushiro would always still be there but never be able to reach out the way he wanted. Knowing Jushiro would still support him and never want for anything more. And knowing made him think, and thinking made him realize.

In his home he had accused Jushiro of liking him, of wanting him. But it was more than that, wasn't it? He looked at Jushiro, his pale skin and gaunt cheeks, his white hair and the green eyes he knew were hidden by closed lids. Just the thought of losing them…

He sighed softly.

_Yeah, it was more than that_…

"Jushiro…" he leaned closer; "I pride myself in knowing what people think and feel, but I always need you to tell me what _I'm_ thinking..." and finally his smile felt genuine, "What I'm trying to say is I-"

The heart monitor flared. The beeping becoming desperate and erratic, an alarm blared in the room and Shunsui felt his heart lodge in his throat. No.

Vaguely above the roar of machines and warnings he felt hands grab him and push him away from Jushiro, his hand ripped loose and he stumbled back. They were bustling around him, Unohana was yelling orders, and her subordinates were following. But this was drowned out by the image of Jushiro so silent amongst the chaos. His body still and quiet and so… at peace.

He backed up and up, until he exited the room, until his back hit the opposing wall, and when he felt the cool cement through his clothing he slid down and sat on the floor. The roars of a dying heart monitor ringing in his ears.

_What I'm trying …What I _was_ trying to say…_

He sighed, bowed his head and buried his face in the crook of his arm.

_It didn't matter anymore_.

* * *

Phew! Done!


	9. Finding Courage

_Wow! This was supposed to be up weeks ago, but recently I've been a bit lax, so I am very sorry about that. I can't promise when the next chapter will be up but I will try for as quickly as possible :) I must also appologise for the edit I made in the previous chapter. Unfortunately I uploaded the wrong file and I made a big muck of things. You can head back and reread it, I had to change the ending unfortunately. Again I am very sorry, but hopefully it didn't ruin the story too much._

_A million thanks to all reviewers, favourites and alerts! Without you guys it wouldn't be worth it, and boy do you make it worthi it! Thank again, and I really hope you enjoy the chapter :)_

* * *

**Finding Courage**

Kenpachi was sitting quietly under the cool shade of a cherry tree when the unmistakable reiatsu of desperation slid across the quad. He cracked open a dark eye. The energy spilled and rushed out in vast quantities, blanketing the bustling garden into a perturbed silence. He did not need to look to know from where it was coming.

The silence was stifling. But above the roar of desperation Kenpachi could also sense the smallest reiatsu of complete despair. He didn't need to be a genius to know whose it was but the undertone of frustration and pain was enough.

"Come on ya old fart," he muttered softly, breathing in the scent of gloom and misery "He aint gonna last much longer,"

"Who ya talkin' too Kenny?'

He didn't answer the small bundle of energy and life sitting quietly beside him. Instead he sighed, his voice rasping as he looked up through the waving leaves and at the sunny sky. Part of him had expected them to rage at this moment. To roar and cry their outrage to the world but the clear blue heavens showed no signs of leaving.

Just as well, he thought, he wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

* * *

"Isane, I need time to build up his reiatsu. Focus on his body we need to keep him breathing,"

"Hai!"

The continued battle for his life was almost deafening but he could not bring himself to move. Shunsui had been trying to reach Jushiro's reiatsu for the better part of ten minutes. But the distressing truth was no matter how far he tried to reach he couldn't find it. It was frightening to learn how far his friend had slipped away in the span of only a few short hours, and harrowing to know he was the cause of it.

"His heart rate is dropping again,"

"Dammit," a rare curse flew from her lips, "All of you help Isane keep his body going, his reiatsu isn't responding"

How many times had he sat outside Jushiro's rooms listening to this? How many times had he thought that this time was the time he would lose him for good? He felt a bitter laugh bubble up. If he had known then what he knew now he would never have mused such things, he would simply have enjoyed their friendship and made sure that Jushiro in turn enjoyed life to the full.

The laugh simmered away.

If he knew then what he knew now? He'd liked to think things would have been different, that his reaction and _answer_ would have been different.

"_It doesn't matter what answer you have_."

"He's stopped breathing!"

Shunsui's arms tightened around his legs.

"_Whether you accept him, forgive him or condemn him_"

"I need more time!"

He blinked a few times, trying to stop another wave of tears.

"_Fact is…"_

"We're losing him!"

His head snapped up.

"_...you still have to do it,"_

The despair and fear turned and coiled in the pit of his stomach, boiling and burning until it shifted and shaped into something completely different; sheer desperation. He would never remember the moment he moved, only that in the next blink he was next to his friend, his hands shoving away a woman he had learned to fear, and grabbing desperately forwards to the lifeless body on the bed. When his hands closed around those wiry shoulders and brought his limp body to his chest it was all he could not to sob incoherently.

Shunsui knew that somewhere above the haze of complete terror Retsu was yelling at him in her own way to _just let go_. But no force in this world could tear his arms away from Jushiro right now. It was the only chance he would ever get to tell him what he needed to say.

It was second nature for his reiatsu to reach out to Jushiro's but it was shocking to find how deep he finally had to dig before he could smell the sea. It had always been such an effortless task, to stretch out and touch the ocean when he was relaxing on a roof or needed comfort when Old-man Yama was giving him a hard time. Effortless and comforting, and now it was a sheer battle to stay in contact with the small green flickering patch of life.

His voice shuddered when he sighed into his neck.

"Jushiro? Can you hear me?" there would be no answer but he pressed on with a bitter smile, "I just wanted to tell you..." he paused to swallow past the lump in his throat, his voice thick with painful emotion as he finally found the courage to answer his friend, "That I love you too,"

The room fell silent but Shunsui did not mind witnesses. He had never cared much for what others thought of him, it was an opinion Jushiro had always shared. Anything Shunsui had ever done or said he always supported with zeal, laughed along with and at times even joined in. They had been in more trouble than all the Captains combined and had managed to get arrested over ten times before Central 46 declared them incorrigible and left them to Yamamoto. Something which they both had agreed was a far worse punishment than prison.

And as these memories started to fill him the realization of what exactly he was losing finally set in, and the sobs he had been holding back broke free in ragged and jagged coughs. They ripped through his body, his hands in response gripping Jushiro hard enough to bruise but he knew it wouldn't matter. This was all he had left of a 2000 year old friendship a bitter and painful goodbye, and memories forever stained with 'what might have been's'.

Calming down somewhat, he leaned back and looked at the quiet face of his friend, pained and tired, gaunt and frayed, frail and weak. Everything Jushiro never should be. But despite this he wanted something, a selfish need to take something with him before the inevitable struck. So with a hollow feeling he leaned down, closing the distance for the first time and kissed him lightly on the lips.

They were dry and motionless, and they tasted of medicine. But they were strangely warm despite everything, and Shunsui pressed a little harder, hoping to burn this memory into him before Jushiro left this world for good. Above this haze of loss he heard a short gasp but it was as distant as a bird song in a hurricane, and so very insignificant to the taste and texture of Jushiro's lips.

Finally he pulled away, feeling as if he'd taken more than he was truly allowed, and he pulled back to look at Jushiro one last time in life.

And he was met with two striking green eyes.

* * *

_And updated! Next will be up... soon :) _


	10. Authentic Confessions

Egads I disapeared on all of you _ I am so sorry!

I have so many reviews to catch up on! But for now I am just going to say thank you ten thousand and ten times for being the most awesome reviewers in the world! And ten thousand times times a hundred thousand sorries for dropping away like that :( The chapter isn't perfect I would say, but it's the way I've been wanting to end it since the beginning :)

So I hope you all enjoy the story, and I hope it was worth both the wait, and of course, worth the read.

And again just a final BIG thank you!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Authentic Confessions**

For one ice cold and fearful moment Shunsui thought that this was some horrible trick his mind was playing on him. The eyes were tired and hazy but the spark of life had yet to leave them.

"Shunsui…?"

Jushiro blinked up at him and Shunsui held his breath, waiting for the illusion to shatter into a million pieces, and to wake up crying and shuddering in his room. But it wasn't happening, and if this was a dream then _please_ let it last forever.

He gasped when a cold hand touched his cheek. He closed his eyes and waited for a few seconds but the hand would not leave and when he opened them Jushiro was still there, looking at him curiously. So tentatively, and believing in this moment for now, he reached up and took the cold hand in his, enjoying the soft texture and beautiful palm despite years of battle.

"Scared you again?" Jushiro rasped.

He started and looked at Jushiro, his eyes were not as glazed anymore and though his reiatsu was the same it wasn't getting any weaker, so Shunsui smiled.

"I deserved it this time,"

Jushiro smiled back at him, "Doubt it," he said but the smile faded to be replaced by a light frown, "Why…" he cleared his throat, "Why are you crying?"

Shunsui blinked, "Um…" he felt a lot more awkward and uncertain when Jushiro was awake and staring at him so definitely. But the shock and fear had drained away to leave only an open and honest shell of a man.

Still, maybe he should wait until Jushiro was better. It couldn't be good for his health. His eye caught movement and he came face to face with a glaring Retsu Unohana. Her glare and posture almost daring him to back out. Shunsui swallowed stiffly. She was right. He could not deny Jushiro his answer, not this time but how should he say it? It wasn't as if the right words were just going go drop on his... head...

His eye caught a crumpled piece of paper, and despite it all he smiled.

"Jushiro," He said and tightened his grip on the pale hand. The right words, he realized then, just needed the right inspiration. "You are the cup to make sake, the pink in my haori and the straw to my hat, in other words…" he leaned forwards and kissed him lightly, "You complete me Juu-chan,"

That look of complete shock and disbelief mixed with hope and joy on Jushiro's face he would come to treasure for all his days. And even as Retsu chased him out of the room, saying things like 'he needs rest' Shunsui could not keep his eyes off of him, and Jushiro in turn seemed to have the same problem. It had been a close call, a bitter painful lesson and an even worse experience. He would be honest in saying he would never wish to go through this ever again. But for Jushiro he knew in his heart he would go through hell and back.

Little could compare to almost losing him, but nothing could compare to finally finding him.

* * *

The emotion that washed over the Seireitei that day was one of complete relief, and it seemed to linger long after the ordeal, as if the Shinnigami clung to it. Some celebrated with drink or parties, but many went back to their daily lives as if nothing had happened. It was the reaction Jushiro would have preferred.

His recovery was not as slow as Retsu had feared. Within a few short days he was already smiling, and enjoying the company of his exhausting third seats. And he was happy, in some ways, but in that time a new fear had settled in his heart. Shunsui had kissed him, he had honestly kissed him and even told him, in his own way, that he loved him. It had felt wonderful, and so perfect, a moment he would never exchange for anything in the world.

But since then he hadn't seen him again. Shunsui had not visited him, not once. Not a single letter or gift.

He was worried, to say the least, and lying in bed with nothing else to do but worry did nothing good to the soul. Retsu had tried speaking to him, telling him not to worry, that Shunsui will turn up eventually. Even her soothing voice and kind words had done nothing to ease his fear.

By the end of the week Retsu felt safe to let him go, on the basis he did not work for at least a week. Something which Jushiro was eternally grateful for. But as he left the Fourth Division he felt another pang of fear. What if Shunsui had had second thoughts? What if he'd gotten cold feet? The very thought churned his gut, and tore him up in ways he could never express with words. Still, if it was all Shunsui could offer, then he would treasure the memory for all his life.

But the childish need to turn back and run to Retsu was laughably overwhelming, but he held out. Whatever he had to face, he'll face it today.

"Captain!" two voices harmonized in the hall, and despite his fear and trepidation Jushiro smiled.

"Kiyone, Sentarou," he greeted, "I hope my absence didn't cause you too many problems?"

"No Captain!" they said together, "We were just worried about you, we were happy to help-"

They paused.

…_.three, two, one_, Jushiro counted-

"Stop copying me!"

And Jushiro laughed, it was refreshing to know some things hadn't changed. The two stopped when they heard him chuckling and smiled at him, the relief evident on their faces.

"Come on," he said, walking past them "I want to get back to Ugendo,"

They shared a look, and Jushiro paused mid-stride, "What is it?"

Sentarou cleared his throat, "Ugendo isn't repaired yet, Captain," he licked his lips, a sure sign of worry, "We've been working the whole week but it will take at least two more before everything is finished,"

"Repaired?" he said, "Why would it need..." and realization dawned. The fire. Oh gods, his home... his beautiful home. It was destroyed, he'd forgotten. He blinked when he realized tears had sprung up, but he bit them back. Jushiro, he thought, you fool. Your home, your family home, you burnt down in a moment of complete selfishness, and for what?

He frowned,

Shunsui still wasn't here.

"Captain?"

He started and looked at them, their faces conveyed nothing but worry, and a different kind of guilt washed over him. "I'm fine," he paused, "I had not thought it would have done that much damage,"

She smiled, "Don't worry Captain, it'll be good as new, you won't even know there'd been a fire,"

"It's not about the fire pipsqueack," Sentarou snapped, "it's all the personal things that went up in flames with it!"

"I know that, Sentarou, but I didn't want to mention it because it might upset our Captain, worm for brains"

"Who are you calling a worm!"

"Not me!" she hissed back, "I called you _worm-for-brains_!"

They continued their triad, but somewhere along the way they started to walk, asking, in between arguments for their Captain to follow them, and Jushiro did. He honestly had nothing better to do, and where ever he was going to stay would, hopefully, be as far away from his home as possible. He couldn't bare to look at it right now.

The guilt would probably kill him.

They followed a route he knew well, and the tension began to coil up again. They were heading to the eight division. Had Shunsui asked for him to stay there? Or had there simply not been enough space? So many questions, with so few answers was making his head ache. Maybe his friend was just being nice to him. Silently, he wished he had at least some of the answers.

In between the fear of losing his friend, and the depression of losing his house Jushiro went uncharacteristically quiet, so much so that his two third seats started to settle down as well.

They reached his new living quarters. It's a long way from Shunsui's, he noted and his heart sank. His two third seats gave him their well wishes, and promised him everything will be ready when he gets back from his rest. Jushiro bade them farewell and watched him leave, bickering as they went. He would be lying if he said he was feeling comfortable, his heart was racing madly in his chest, and he felt a little sick from the shock.

_My home_, he thought, _It's gone now..._

They can rebuild it, but it'll never be the same.

Tired, depressed and miserable, he pushed open the door to his rooms and went inside.

"Hey there handsome,"

And froze dead.

In the middle of the room, lying sprawled out on the bed with a leering smile, was none other than Shunsui. For a moment Jushiro was certain he was hallucinating, but no illusion could be this real. His friend smiled at his expression.

"Sorry I was a no show the past week, I've been a bit busy getting your home ready," he rolled off the bed with his usual cat like grace, and came to stand a few feet away from him, "You're looking a lot better," then a smile, "Which isn't saying much, you looked awful the last time I saw you,"

Jushiro didn't answer.

"You'll be staying here for about a day," he said, "But then you'll be moved closer to where I am. We had to clean up the rooms, it looks horrible up there right now, but that's what you get for using guest rooms as sake-store rooms, right?"

He still didn't answer, but Shunsui seemed unperturbed.

"Oh, I got you something," he turned around and grabbed something off the bed, "it's not much, but seeing as yours was destroyed and all, I felt you needed a new one," he shrugged and held it out for him to take.

Jushiro, feeling like a mechanical doll, reached up and took it. It was a black book. Made from leather, with a soft smooth cover, it was much the same as the one he'd had. A tight knot of tension formed in his throat. Was this a way for Shunsui to tell him that he was okay with Jushiro liking him, but he didn't really return those feelings? He stared at it for a moment, and opened it before his courage failed him.

And was met with hundreds of small messages.

Confessions, poems and words all about him and written from Shunsui. They were all new, different, and things he had never written himself, but all saying the same thing...

"The book hasn't been filled yet," he heard above the haze of his shock, "But I thought it was a good start, and this time they're real, y'know?"

Jushiro didn't answer.

"I wanted to give you something that made sense" he felt a hand on his shoulder, "And seeing as we're together now, I thought it would be something nice to start it off," he paused, "Jushiro?"

But he was barely listening, his eyes fixated on the small confessions, all authentic confessions. Then he smiled, and when he did the tears just slid down his face.

"Jushiro?" an alarmed Shunsui asked, grabbing his shoulders gently, "Are you alright? I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you, I'll get you something else, I-"

But two thin arms cut him short as they planted themselves around his neck, pulled him closer and he was completely silenced when Jushiro promptly kissed him. Shunsui was startled but he quickly smiled and pulled him closer, both sinking deeper into each other as the kiss deepened. Their reiatsu seemed to mingle and respond to each other, electrifying and exhilarating as their passions began to build.

And stopped only when breathing became a must.

"I'm sorry," Jushiro gasped as the parted, "... for scaring you, for dropping all of that on you and, and... just for everything,"

Shunsui frowned, and tilted Jushiro's head up, "There is nothing to forgive," he smiled, gently wiping away the remnants of his tears "Right?' he asked tentatively, giving Jushiro the chance to berate him if he wished. But Jushiro only huffed a breathless laugh.

"Right,"

And they kissed again, holding each other close, enjoying the company of now both friend and lover, and knowing they'll never be parted, if they could help it.

Beyond the eight division, on the roof top of the 11th Kenpachi Zaraki lifted his head, and looked at the horizon, a slow smile settled on his lips.

"Whatcha smiln' about Kenny?" Yachiru asked.

"Nothin'" he said, and leaned back, taking in the sun of a new day, "Everythin's fine Yachiru," he closed his eyes, "Just as it should be,"

**The End**

* * *

Done! it's a little sad to finish this one, I'd been hoping to stretch it out some more, but I don't think it will do the story food :\ instead I'll be writing a bit of porn for it on AFF net, so if anyone is interested just pop on over and check it out. It's not written yet, _ but hopefully soon.

Well that's all there is folks (for now XD)


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